Anxiety and Infertility

I don't generally go around telling everyone that I have OCD simply because then they look at me like I am different or they're afraid that it might spread. Also, once people know you have OCD they always ask you how clean your house is or if you're afraid of germs. Because of this I haven't told many people, other than my family, that I have been clinically diagnosed with OCD.

Here's the skinny on OCD. Not everybody who has it is a neat freak. We don't all go around constantly wiping everything we touch with alcohol or Lysol wipes. And most people who actually have OCD hate that everybody else assumes that we are all neat freaks.

We don't all have to check things, or say things, or touch things a certain amount of times. Yes, there are people who are like that, and I honestly truly feel sorry for them because I cannot imagine how hard that would be. In my case it is routine.

I like routine. I like waking up at the same time, doing the same things in the same order, and when I was in school I loved going to school at the same time everyday. However, it caused a problem when I got off of this scheduled routine by even seconds. I would have a panic attack and have to put my whole day on hold. Sometimes I was able to pick my day back up and put the pieces back together and sometimes my entire day was gone simply because my walk had taken 1 minute longer than usual. It was debilitating.

Because of this I went and got professional help. I was put in counseling and given meds for everyday use as well as meds specifically for the panic attacks where I couldn't handle life any other way than shutting down.

The medications that I was given and had been taking for several years are not good for TTC. The medications I was taking could cause birth defects or cause the pregnancy to be aborted. Because of this when my husband and I decided to begin TTC we discussed our options with my doctor and decided that our best option was slowly coming off of the meds all together and seeing if maybe I could handle things on my own now that my life wasn't quite so busy.

I have been doing better than I ever thought I could. However, the longer I am TTC the more anxiety I am beginning to experience due to my OCD. I have not had panic attacks yet, but instead live with a constant fear of going back to the place that I was and having my entire life affected by my OCD.

Now, before you freak out and say that I am crazy for putting having a child before my own personal mental health. As I said earlier, I did discuss this with my doctor. As of right now I am doing fine. If it comes down to it I will go back on medications. However, I would do anything it takes in order to be able to have a family, if that means suffering through my panic attacks and constantly living in a state of unrest because my routine wasn't exactly on one day then I WILL DO IT!

I want to be a mother more than anything else in this world. I want my husband to be a father more than anything in this world. Yes, in the future we may look into adoption if nothing changes, but for now we are ok with where we are at. It is simply a very difficult path to tread when you are facing not one but two diseases. And yes, INFERTILITY IS A DISEASE.

The Infertility Closet

Today I am facing my fears! Today I am coming out of the "infertility closet" so to speak. For those of you wondering why I would post this on a blog, it is because I am extremely introverted and have a hard time talking about difficult things, even with my family.

Does my family know that I am struggling with infertility? Yes, to a certain degree. Was I the one that told them? No. I have a wonderful sister who thought it was her job to share information about me to my family. It is due to the information that she shared that I have not felt comfortable discussing in detail my infertility journey with my family.

A quick update since its been quite a while since I last posted. I was married to a wonderful man named Brandon March 7,2015. We have been enjoying life together ever since.

In May of 2016 we decided to come off of birth control and begin our TTC (trying to conceive) journey. We tried 6 months simply not protecting. Then we did 6 months of tracking my cycle through ovulation prediction kits and basal body temperature. All to no avail. Since we hit our year mark we have simply been not protecting once again as both of us felt the need to "heal" from the year of emotional ups and downs. We are currently beginning month 16 of TTC with no success.

As of right now, neither of us have gone to the doctor to talk about infertility. Quite honestly this is because I am literally terrified about what the doctor might say to us. I am afraid that the doctor will say its me, I am afraid that the doctor will say its him, and I am even more afraid that the doctor will tell us there is no reason we can't conceive and we will be one of the couple who fits into the unexplained infertility group. With no plan of action to take other than guess work.

So please if you have any sage words of advice, or you have been through this and know what to expect at your first fertility appointment help me take the mystery out of it as I literally have nobody in my family of fertile myrtles who can help me through this journey.

And yes, I know that this is short, abrupt, to the point, and very little backstory. But when your heart has ached every day for the last 15+ months sometimes short and to the point is all you can handle.