Anxiety and Infertility

I don't generally go around telling everyone that I have OCD simply because then they look at me like I am different or they're afraid that it might spread. Also, once people know you have OCD they always ask you how clean your house is or if you're afraid of germs. Because of this I haven't told many people, other than my family, that I have been clinically diagnosed with OCD.

Here's the skinny on OCD. Not everybody who has it is a neat freak. We don't all go around constantly wiping everything we touch with alcohol or Lysol wipes. And most people who actually have OCD hate that everybody else assumes that we are all neat freaks.

We don't all have to check things, or say things, or touch things a certain amount of times. Yes, there are people who are like that, and I honestly truly feel sorry for them because I cannot imagine how hard that would be. In my case it is routine.

I like routine. I like waking up at the same time, doing the same things in the same order, and when I was in school I loved going to school at the same time everyday. However, it caused a problem when I got off of this scheduled routine by even seconds. I would have a panic attack and have to put my whole day on hold. Sometimes I was able to pick my day back up and put the pieces back together and sometimes my entire day was gone simply because my walk had taken 1 minute longer than usual. It was debilitating.

Because of this I went and got professional help. I was put in counseling and given meds for everyday use as well as meds specifically for the panic attacks where I couldn't handle life any other way than shutting down.

The medications that I was given and had been taking for several years are not good for TTC. The medications I was taking could cause birth defects or cause the pregnancy to be aborted. Because of this when my husband and I decided to begin TTC we discussed our options with my doctor and decided that our best option was slowly coming off of the meds all together and seeing if maybe I could handle things on my own now that my life wasn't quite so busy.

I have been doing better than I ever thought I could. However, the longer I am TTC the more anxiety I am beginning to experience due to my OCD. I have not had panic attacks yet, but instead live with a constant fear of going back to the place that I was and having my entire life affected by my OCD.

Now, before you freak out and say that I am crazy for putting having a child before my own personal mental health. As I said earlier, I did discuss this with my doctor. As of right now I am doing fine. If it comes down to it I will go back on medications. However, I would do anything it takes in order to be able to have a family, if that means suffering through my panic attacks and constantly living in a state of unrest because my routine wasn't exactly on one day then I WILL DO IT!

I want to be a mother more than anything else in this world. I want my husband to be a father more than anything in this world. Yes, in the future we may look into adoption if nothing changes, but for now we are ok with where we are at. It is simply a very difficult path to tread when you are facing not one but two diseases. And yes, INFERTILITY IS A DISEASE.