Here's the thing. I have not been to the doctor to be checked out as to what is causing mine and my husbands problems with conception. I am terrified! I keep telling myself that I this is going to be the month, that I am finally ready, that I am finally going to call and get the help we need. But, in the end I keep backing out. I am terrified of making the appointment! I am afraid of what the doctor will find and even more afraid that the doctor won't find anything at all!
You see, there is this thing called unexplained infertility. I'm not saying I have it or that I will have it, but the fact that it is a possibility scares the crap out of me. When you are diagnosed with unexplained infertility it is because they can't find anything that's wrong with you or your spouse. There is no medical reason that you can't get pregnant. They can try to help you but nothing is guaranteed because they don't know what will help.
I know the likelihood of this being the case is slim to none, but it still scares me so bad! So... here I sit fearing the unknown and refusing the make an appointment to find it out.
"There is no education which one can get from books and costly apparatus that is equal to that which can be gotten from contact with great men and women.” -Booker T. Washington
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Friday, August 25, 2017
Anxiety and Infertility
I don't generally go around telling everyone that I have OCD simply because then they look at me like I am different or they're afraid that it might spread. Also, once people know you have OCD they always ask you how clean your house is or if you're afraid of germs. Because of this I haven't told many people, other than my family, that I have been clinically diagnosed with OCD.
Here's the skinny on OCD. Not everybody who has it is a neat freak. We don't all go around constantly wiping everything we touch with alcohol or Lysol wipes. And most people who actually have OCD hate that everybody else assumes that we are all neat freaks.
We don't all have to check things, or say things, or touch things a certain amount of times. Yes, there are people who are like that, and I honestly truly feel sorry for them because I cannot imagine how hard that would be. In my case it is routine.
I like routine. I like waking up at the same time, doing the same things in the same order, and when I was in school I loved going to school at the same time everyday. However, it caused a problem when I got off of this scheduled routine by even seconds. I would have a panic attack and have to put my whole day on hold. Sometimes I was able to pick my day back up and put the pieces back together and sometimes my entire day was gone simply because my walk had taken 1 minute longer than usual. It was debilitating.
Because of this I went and got professional help. I was put in counseling and given meds for everyday use as well as meds specifically for the panic attacks where I couldn't handle life any other way than shutting down.
The medications that I was given and had been taking for several years are not good for TTC. The medications I was taking could cause birth defects or cause the pregnancy to be aborted. Because of this when my husband and I decided to begin TTC we discussed our options with my doctor and decided that our best option was slowly coming off of the meds all together and seeing if maybe I could handle things on my own now that my life wasn't quite so busy.
I have been doing better than I ever thought I could. However, the longer I am TTC the more anxiety I am beginning to experience due to my OCD. I have not had panic attacks yet, but instead live with a constant fear of going back to the place that I was and having my entire life affected by my OCD.
Now, before you freak out and say that I am crazy for putting having a child before my own personal mental health. As I said earlier, I did discuss this with my doctor. As of right now I am doing fine. If it comes down to it I will go back on medications. However, I would do anything it takes in order to be able to have a family, if that means suffering through my panic attacks and constantly living in a state of unrest because my routine wasn't exactly on one day then I WILL DO IT!
I want to be a mother more than anything else in this world. I want my husband to be a father more than anything in this world. Yes, in the future we may look into adoption if nothing changes, but for now we are ok with where we are at. It is simply a very difficult path to tread when you are facing not one but two diseases. And yes, INFERTILITY IS A DISEASE.
Here's the skinny on OCD. Not everybody who has it is a neat freak. We don't all go around constantly wiping everything we touch with alcohol or Lysol wipes. And most people who actually have OCD hate that everybody else assumes that we are all neat freaks.
We don't all have to check things, or say things, or touch things a certain amount of times. Yes, there are people who are like that, and I honestly truly feel sorry for them because I cannot imagine how hard that would be. In my case it is routine.
I like routine. I like waking up at the same time, doing the same things in the same order, and when I was in school I loved going to school at the same time everyday. However, it caused a problem when I got off of this scheduled routine by even seconds. I would have a panic attack and have to put my whole day on hold. Sometimes I was able to pick my day back up and put the pieces back together and sometimes my entire day was gone simply because my walk had taken 1 minute longer than usual. It was debilitating.
Because of this I went and got professional help. I was put in counseling and given meds for everyday use as well as meds specifically for the panic attacks where I couldn't handle life any other way than shutting down.
The medications that I was given and had been taking for several years are not good for TTC. The medications I was taking could cause birth defects or cause the pregnancy to be aborted. Because of this when my husband and I decided to begin TTC we discussed our options with my doctor and decided that our best option was slowly coming off of the meds all together and seeing if maybe I could handle things on my own now that my life wasn't quite so busy.
I have been doing better than I ever thought I could. However, the longer I am TTC the more anxiety I am beginning to experience due to my OCD. I have not had panic attacks yet, but instead live with a constant fear of going back to the place that I was and having my entire life affected by my OCD.
Now, before you freak out and say that I am crazy for putting having a child before my own personal mental health. As I said earlier, I did discuss this with my doctor. As of right now I am doing fine. If it comes down to it I will go back on medications. However, I would do anything it takes in order to be able to have a family, if that means suffering through my panic attacks and constantly living in a state of unrest because my routine wasn't exactly on one day then I WILL DO IT!
I want to be a mother more than anything else in this world. I want my husband to be a father more than anything in this world. Yes, in the future we may look into adoption if nothing changes, but for now we are ok with where we are at. It is simply a very difficult path to tread when you are facing not one but two diseases. And yes, INFERTILITY IS A DISEASE.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
The Infertility Closet
Today I am facing my fears! Today I am coming out of the "infertility closet" so to speak. For those of you wondering why I would post this on a blog, it is because I am extremely introverted and have a hard time talking about difficult things, even with my family.
Does my family know that I am struggling with infertility? Yes, to a certain degree. Was I the one that told them? No. I have a wonderful sister who thought it was her job to share information about me to my family. It is due to the information that she shared that I have not felt comfortable discussing in detail my infertility journey with my family.
A quick update since its been quite a while since I last posted. I was married to a wonderful man named Brandon March 7,2015. We have been enjoying life together ever since.
In May of 2016 we decided to come off of birth control and begin our TTC (trying to conceive) journey. We tried 6 months simply not protecting. Then we did 6 months of tracking my cycle through ovulation prediction kits and basal body temperature. All to no avail. Since we hit our year mark we have simply been not protecting once again as both of us felt the need to "heal" from the year of emotional ups and downs. We are currently beginning month 16 of TTC with no success.
As of right now, neither of us have gone to the doctor to talk about infertility. Quite honestly this is because I am literally terrified about what the doctor might say to us. I am afraid that the doctor will say its me, I am afraid that the doctor will say its him, and I am even more afraid that the doctor will tell us there is no reason we can't conceive and we will be one of the couple who fits into the unexplained infertility group. With no plan of action to take other than guess work.
So please if you have any sage words of advice, or you have been through this and know what to expect at your first fertility appointment help me take the mystery out of it as I literally have nobody in my family of fertile myrtles who can help me through this journey.
And yes, I know that this is short, abrupt, to the point, and very little backstory. But when your heart has ached every day for the last 15+ months sometimes short and to the point is all you can handle.
Does my family know that I am struggling with infertility? Yes, to a certain degree. Was I the one that told them? No. I have a wonderful sister who thought it was her job to share information about me to my family. It is due to the information that she shared that I have not felt comfortable discussing in detail my infertility journey with my family.
A quick update since its been quite a while since I last posted. I was married to a wonderful man named Brandon March 7,2015. We have been enjoying life together ever since.
In May of 2016 we decided to come off of birth control and begin our TTC (trying to conceive) journey. We tried 6 months simply not protecting. Then we did 6 months of tracking my cycle through ovulation prediction kits and basal body temperature. All to no avail. Since we hit our year mark we have simply been not protecting once again as both of us felt the need to "heal" from the year of emotional ups and downs. We are currently beginning month 16 of TTC with no success.
As of right now, neither of us have gone to the doctor to talk about infertility. Quite honestly this is because I am literally terrified about what the doctor might say to us. I am afraid that the doctor will say its me, I am afraid that the doctor will say its him, and I am even more afraid that the doctor will tell us there is no reason we can't conceive and we will be one of the couple who fits into the unexplained infertility group. With no plan of action to take other than guess work.
So please if you have any sage words of advice, or you have been through this and know what to expect at your first fertility appointment help me take the mystery out of it as I literally have nobody in my family of fertile myrtles who can help me through this journey.
And yes, I know that this is short, abrupt, to the point, and very little backstory. But when your heart has ached every day for the last 15+ months sometimes short and to the point is all you can handle.
Monday, March 10, 2014
The Purpose of Potassium
Many people don't know that about a year ago I started to have some issues with my heart. I could be laying on the couch totally relaxed and all of a sudden my heart would start to beat frantically as though it were trying to jump out of my chest, this hurt really bad and caused a lot of anxiety because I did not know what was going on.I dealt with this for awhile because I couldn't afford to go to the doctor. However, this decision was taken from me when for a week my resting heart rate did not dip below 100. Thank goodness I had wonderful parents who were willing and able to help me pay for my much needed doctors visit.
Once at the doctors office I had an EKG done which showed that nothing was wrong with my heart. It was healthy and was beating like it should. So what was causing my problems? Our next option was a blood test. They drew several vials of blood and sent it off to be tested promising to call as soon as they got the results. The next day my doctor called and told me I had extremely low potassium. The normal human body has anywhere between 3.5-5.0 mL of potassium in their blood at any given time. I was below 1 mL.
Potassium is used to help your muscles and nerves function properly. At the level that I was at my reflexes and thought process were affected as well as my heart. If potassium gets too low it can actually cause permanent heart damage or even make your heart stop beating. Because of these risks I was started on an extremely high dosage of Potassium that very same day.
After my prescription was up I went on my merry way hoping that everything would be ok. It was, but from time to time I still had issues with my heart... until I started weight watchers.
Potassium is found in vegetables and fruits with the highest 10 going as follows:
1.white beans
2.dark leafy greens (spinach)3. baked potato (with skin)
4. dried apricots
5. baked acorn squash
6. yogurt (plain, skim/non-fat)
7. fish (salmon)
8. avocados
9. mushrooms (white)
10. bananas
Because the weight watchers diet has you attempt to eat a fruit or a vegetable with every meal and snack I haven't had any problems since I started.
Monday, November 19, 2012
The Princess and the Toad
Once upon a time- there was a princess who was confused about her future. She didn't know which prince to choose, or which frog to kiss. Because of this confusion she was trapped by this nasty evil toad, who was pretending to be a frog so that he could capture the most beautiful princess in the land.
You see, this toad had gone to an evil witch, and the witch had given him a spell. This spell was used to trick the princess into seeing him as the most handsome, most majestic, most powerful, most muscular, and definitely most eligible bachelor of all. The toad took the spell and without reading the warning label drank it down. However, that warning label said that if the toad were to find a princess and not marry her before the spell ran out then he would turn back into a toad and never be able to find love again, and that if he ever decided that the princess wasn't good enough for him then the spell would become null as of that point.
So, back to where we were. The toad captured the princess, and made her feel as though she was in love, as though she was the most important person in the world; but, these feelings didn't last long. The toad wasn't ready to get married, he only wanted something temporary so that he could brag to all of his friends that he had captured a princess. He kept the princess around for many months, and she became all but his slave. She learned to cook, and clean, and sew so that she could keep him happy. She made sure to keep her schedule open and available so she was always ready when her toad wanted to see her. She thought that this was the best life she could ever have.
One morning the toad decided that he wanted to try dating and see what other princess were out there. He had decided even though his princess was great he was getting tired of her. He wanted to be single again, to be free to go to the pond and spend time with just the guys. He decided that he was too good for his princess. He had decided that having somebody to take care of him wasn't all that great since he still had his mom and didn't need anybody else.
Because of these ideas he had decided to tell the princess that he didn't want her any more. He told her that her beauty and thus her value had diminished and that she had become comely as she had replaced her princess dresses with clothes that were better for cleaning and cooking in. He told her he didn't love her any more and that he never really had, he had just wanted a girlfriend at the time and now he didn't so she needed to pack up and leave.
The princess was devastated! Her world was falling apart around her shoulders. She wallowed in her self pity for quite awhile, but finally went and talked to a great adviser of the kingdom. He told her that none of the things that the toad had said about her were true, that none of them were anything that she should pay attention to. He told her he was beautiful and that in time if she were patient she would find a man that would make her feel beautiful by that actions that he did rather than the things that he got her. He told her that this man would be better than any prince, that he would show her through his actions that he loved her and she would see it every day rather than just being told when she needed to hear it. The adviser told her she just had to be patient and wait and find something else to focus on, however she needed to become happy and improve her skills to be worthy of this man.
The princess moved away from the kingdom deciding to make her own way out in the world. She decided that she was going to try and find herself and that in finding herself she would find the man of her dreams. She decided not to kiss any more frogs or admire any more princes. She had decided that she was going to have fun and make new friends and try new things and that being a princess was highly overrated.
So now you ask, how is this princess doing? She is doing fabulously well. No more princes, no more frogs, and definitely no more toads. She was done with that whole thing. She just wanted a down to earth hard working country man who would take care of her and she could take care of him and they would live happily ever after. She had learned her lesson and has grown from it. She is now living with her dog and going to school to be a teacher so that she could teach other people about the dangers out there in the world.
You see, this toad had gone to an evil witch, and the witch had given him a spell. This spell was used to trick the princess into seeing him as the most handsome, most majestic, most powerful, most muscular, and definitely most eligible bachelor of all. The toad took the spell and without reading the warning label drank it down. However, that warning label said that if the toad were to find a princess and not marry her before the spell ran out then he would turn back into a toad and never be able to find love again, and that if he ever decided that the princess wasn't good enough for him then the spell would become null as of that point.
So, back to where we were. The toad captured the princess, and made her feel as though she was in love, as though she was the most important person in the world; but, these feelings didn't last long. The toad wasn't ready to get married, he only wanted something temporary so that he could brag to all of his friends that he had captured a princess. He kept the princess around for many months, and she became all but his slave. She learned to cook, and clean, and sew so that she could keep him happy. She made sure to keep her schedule open and available so she was always ready when her toad wanted to see her. She thought that this was the best life she could ever have.
One morning the toad decided that he wanted to try dating and see what other princess were out there. He had decided even though his princess was great he was getting tired of her. He wanted to be single again, to be free to go to the pond and spend time with just the guys. He decided that he was too good for his princess. He had decided that having somebody to take care of him wasn't all that great since he still had his mom and didn't need anybody else.
Because of these ideas he had decided to tell the princess that he didn't want her any more. He told her that her beauty and thus her value had diminished and that she had become comely as she had replaced her princess dresses with clothes that were better for cleaning and cooking in. He told her he didn't love her any more and that he never really had, he had just wanted a girlfriend at the time and now he didn't so she needed to pack up and leave.
The princess was devastated! Her world was falling apart around her shoulders. She wallowed in her self pity for quite awhile, but finally went and talked to a great adviser of the kingdom. He told her that none of the things that the toad had said about her were true, that none of them were anything that she should pay attention to. He told her he was beautiful and that in time if she were patient she would find a man that would make her feel beautiful by that actions that he did rather than the things that he got her. He told her that this man would be better than any prince, that he would show her through his actions that he loved her and she would see it every day rather than just being told when she needed to hear it. The adviser told her she just had to be patient and wait and find something else to focus on, however she needed to become happy and improve her skills to be worthy of this man.
The princess moved away from the kingdom deciding to make her own way out in the world. She decided that she was going to try and find herself and that in finding herself she would find the man of her dreams. She decided not to kiss any more frogs or admire any more princes. She had decided that she was going to have fun and make new friends and try new things and that being a princess was highly overrated.
So now you ask, how is this princess doing? She is doing fabulously well. No more princes, no more frogs, and definitely no more toads. She was done with that whole thing. She just wanted a down to earth hard working country man who would take care of her and she could take care of him and they would live happily ever after. She had learned her lesson and has grown from it. She is now living with her dog and going to school to be a teacher so that she could teach other people about the dangers out there in the world.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Wahoo!!!
So... you all know the post that I wrote about all the decisions I have made and changes that have taken place?
...
Yup well obviously I am not very good at this whole blogging thing because here I am once again sharing all the updates in my life.
Ok... so I got the job of my dreams! I now work as a CNA and due to this experience I have decided that I am not cut out for the medical field. However, don't get too caught up in the assumptions because it is not what you all are thinking. I am not cut out for it because I now see how boring it is to be a nurse, all they ever do is put new bandages on people's bottoms and pass pills. Oh wait... I forget the most important part. It is hard for me becuase I care too much about the people that I get involved with. I have worked as a CNA since February now and have had many residents die due to old age, sickness, or just because they decided that they had had enough. Each and every one of these has hit me like I am losing a part of myself. I become too attached and I have decided that I can't feel like I am being torn apart every time I go to work becuase somebody else's wonderful life is coming to an end.
I love my job as a CNA and will continue to work as one because I find it extremely staisfying but, I have found my true calling in life....... I have decided to become an English teacher!
Why English?
Well because I love English, becuase I am good at English, and because I want to help other people come to love English as well.
Another change that has happened, well I have decided that SUU is not for me and am therefore going down to Dixie to try that out. I have made plans and now all I need to do is to finish applying for financial aid and have my transcripts sent to Dixie so that I don't have to start completely over agian.
Ok everybody :D
Now you know all of my big updates sorry once again for the long blog about me and once again no pictures. I will try to get better.
...
Yup well obviously I am not very good at this whole blogging thing because here I am once again sharing all the updates in my life.
Ok... so I got the job of my dreams! I now work as a CNA and due to this experience I have decided that I am not cut out for the medical field. However, don't get too caught up in the assumptions because it is not what you all are thinking. I am not cut out for it because I now see how boring it is to be a nurse, all they ever do is put new bandages on people's bottoms and pass pills. Oh wait... I forget the most important part. It is hard for me becuase I care too much about the people that I get involved with. I have worked as a CNA since February now and have had many residents die due to old age, sickness, or just because they decided that they had had enough. Each and every one of these has hit me like I am losing a part of myself. I become too attached and I have decided that I can't feel like I am being torn apart every time I go to work becuase somebody else's wonderful life is coming to an end.
I love my job as a CNA and will continue to work as one because I find it extremely staisfying but, I have found my true calling in life....... I have decided to become an English teacher!
Why English?
Well because I love English, becuase I am good at English, and because I want to help other people come to love English as well.
Another change that has happened, well I have decided that SUU is not for me and am therefore going down to Dixie to try that out. I have made plans and now all I need to do is to finish applying for financial aid and have my transcripts sent to Dixie so that I don't have to start completely over agian.
Ok everybody :D
Now you know all of my big updates sorry once again for the long blog about me and once again no pictures. I will try to get better.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Decisions... Decisions...
So, I have pretty much decided to change my major. I know, I know, all of you probably think that I am crazy. I have wanted to go into nursing for so long that sometimes even I think that I am crazy. However, with my job now as a CNA I can see that I won't be able to handle being a nurse very well. Its not the blood, or the poop, or the puke even... its that I get too attached to the people that I work with. Since I started working at Kolob I have had one resident moved into the lock down unit and two die. For all three instances I cried :/ so after a really long time to think and make sure that I really would be ok with it I have decided to be an English major. I am going to keep my job at Kolob and continue working as a CNA and until I am 100% for sure that I can live with my decision I am going to do a double major. I love both things and have many things that I could do with both fields so we will see what happens. Wish me luck!
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